Feeling Reflective

[I’ve just had my first blog experience of typing away and my computer restarting with no save, ideal.]

Christopher has returned to Seattle after a short business trip to Europe. We managed to spend a few nights together but, truthfully, we didn’t have that time together to relax and make memories. Instead, Christopher spent the days working whilst I organised everything to leave the flat, sent our belongings to Seattle and arranged meetings for the wedding as Christopher isn’t likely to visit Scotland before the wedding.

His visit was bitter-sweet. Of course, any time together given our current circumstances is a bonus. But, as he left this time, things felt a bit final. We don’t know when we’ll next see one another.

I’ve also realised that, once we are legally married in the US and apply for the green card, I’m unable to leave the country for six months. We’ve arrange our traditional ceremony (with friends, family, fancy dress etc.) for May 2018 in Scotland. This means that, if I haven’t received my K1 visa and we aren’t married by November 2017, I could be refused to come back for the Scottish ceremony.

I spoke to Christopher about it and he suggested that, in that event, it may be better for me to stay in Scotland and return to the US following the ceremony. That’s a year away, on top of the six months he’s been gone;  it’s not a nice thought.

If that was the case, Christopher said he would visit Scotland for Christmas because we have to be together at Christmas (it’s our favourite holiday). I said that I was happy if he wanted to spend this year with his family as he hasn’t done so in a few years. His response: you’re my family.

You know when someone catches you off guard? I think I cried for a good five minutes with Christopher awkwardly patting my back. It was such a simple statement but, I’ve never thought us like that. Maybe that’s a terrible thing to admit but, I wonder when that move happens- from boyfriend/girlfriend to family.

So, I’ve moved back home to live with my parents whilst we wait for the K1 visa to be processed. I’ve gone from being independent in the capital city to small town under my parent’s roof; it’s a big change.

Moving back into my old bedroom, I’ve realised how much stuff I kept as a teenager (along with the additional items my parents have kindly crammed in).  I decided to have a wee clear out and came across a bundle of photos. Like most people, the majority of photos I take now are on my phone and likely to be uploaded on to Facebook. This bundle of photos came from my room in uni halls which I’d covered with photos to make it more homely.

Suddenly, I was looking back at memories with people I’ve lost contact with and my friends of over 10 years. And it’s hit me, I have to leave these people!

And I know when you talk to people it will be ‘true friendships last’ etc. But when I move, catch ups will have to be scheduled to fit the 8 hour time difference and if someone feels crummy, I can’t just take a two hour car journey to reach them, it’s a 10 hour flight.

I think I’ve been living in a quiet denial about the whole thing. Not having any dates for interviews or medical examinations means it still doesn’t feel all that real. I’m dreading the day when it fully hits.

I sort of relate it to ‘The Return of the King’ (Lord of the Rings trilogy, high five fellow fans!) where Frodo leaves middle-earth to the go to the undying lands. It’s the end of a story and adventure in one place for a life somewhere else.

Difference is, I still don’t feel ready to go.

 

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