The Ups and Downs…

I’ve deliberated whether to post this entry as it’s not exactly the happiest. But, I said I was going to blog about my experience of this process and we knew there were going to be some down periods.

[If you remember in my first blog I told you there would be times where you thought I was a brat, this may be one of those times.]

I just had a brief call with Christopher as he drove to work; we missed our usual video call this week because he went hiking with a friend. He had asked to reschedule but I said it was fine, we’d catch up another time.

It may sound odd, you’re probably thinking ‘why aren’t you making the most of any time you can have chatting?’. Truth is, I’ve nothing much to say.  I have nothing going on in life at the moment. I do some housework and watch nonsense tv.

I feel like I’ve slightly lost my purpose. I don’t want to bring Christopher down or make him feel like he shouldn’t be going out there and enjoying himself. I absolutely don’t begrudge him his time with friends doing what he loves. I guess I’m envious of the fact that he’s building on a life he had already semi-established, finding time to see family and make friends. Meanwhile, I don’t even know whether I need to look for a longer term arrangement because of visa times and feel like I have a constant weight on my mind.

It feels awful when you know someone is trying to make and effort but, no matter how positive I try to be, I just can’t break the funky mood.

And I also really don’t want to talk about it (semi-hoping writing it all down will just get it out). People ask ‘how’s the visa going? Any news?’ and whilst I absolutely appreciate they’re trying to take an interest in what’s going on, they know that I would instantly be shouting from the rooftops if we got news.

And, unfortunately, my calculations of when we would hear back seem to be wrong.

I found a helpful website for average processing times:

Initially, I calculated it at two and a half months which would take us to July to start processing. Now, it looks like three and a half which takes us to the end of August.

If I don’t have the visa by November, I’ll be unable to move as I may not be allowed to return to Scotland for the wedding ceremony with our family and friends. Which means it’ll be a year until I get to see Christopher or the house we just bought.

As a result, I’ve ended up disengaging from everything America related. I think/ hope it’s more of a self-protection thing, rather than me just being a bitch.

It’s hard to be excited about your house when you’re one of the last to visit it.

Christopher tries to get me involved but it’s small things like not even knowing the good shops to look at online or the time difference meaning he’s made decisions without me because of time constraints. I have no idea where I fit into everything so eventually, I just stopped.

Life feels strained at the moment.

I would like time to relax and have fun but then I feel guilty about money that’s supposed to be for the wedding. A wee vodka would be lovely.

This is no easy thing!



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